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Dear Domino’s Pizza,

Your pizza has been a family tradition of ours for years. We look forward to it every week during football season. It takes the pressure off of dinner and, let’s face it, it tastes good. We love to over order just a smidge so we can have a special treat the next morning. Pizza for breakfast really makes the kids’ day.

The game kicked off at 4:30 pm. The plan was to order pizza online soon after. Our oldest child still hadn’t made it home from an overnight camping trip. We tried to time the pizza well with his arrival and the timing of the football game. The order went in at 5:07.

Dad went to pick up son. Mom was expecting a succulently aromatic knock on the door around 5:30. According to the online pizza tracker the pizza was still baking. Our tastebuds tingled in anticipation. Dad and son came home. Mom thought their delayed entrance into the house was due to a friendly exchange with the Pizza Dude outside. No such luck. There was no Pizza Dude.

The pizza tracker said the order had been checked for quality at 5:17. The tracker seemed to be stuck on that step. Sometime after 5:30, Mom started a square wave on her insulin pump expecting pizza any minute. There was no pizza. No knock on the door. No Pizza Dude anywhere.

Over an hour had passed since the order had been placed. No sign of our pizza. The pizza tracker had even timed out making us sign in again. Of course there was no sign of our order at that point. Dad called to find out what was happening. He was immediately put on hold for 15 minutes. He waited patiently because we were all getting quite frustrated by the situation.

Store Front Pizza Dude offered little sympathy or explanation. He just said they were busy and the Pizza Dude was on his way. We should expect him to arrive in 10-15 minutes. Over half an hour later there was still no pizza. Dad called back to ask for the order to be canceled. It took some convincing on Dad’s part, but eventually Store Front Pizza Dude agreed to void the transaction so our card wouldn’t be charged for the air and frustration we received instead of hot, cheesy pizza. By this point in the evening it had been nearly two hours since we placed the order. At least the transaction was voided but there was still no apology or sympathy.

Grocery shopping was planned for after the game. There wasn’t much to eat in the house. Hence the brilliance of the pizza delivery. Unfortunately, Domino’s failed us.

Mom started macaroni and cheese. She was smart enough to cancel the square wave bolus but her blood sugar was dropping and all she could think of was filling tummies with carbs. Then she realized we still had French bread pizza in the freezer. There were only three left and they had to be split five ways. She did the fast instructions of microwaving first then finishing in the oven. The pizza had the consistency of an old shoe heated up.

Dinner was a bust. Our team lost by four points. And Domino’s will no longer be our go-to football tradition. It’s too bad. We used to love you guys. Things started going downhill about the time our regular Pizza Dude driver had to quit for college. The next driver after him forgot our drinks and took an extraordinarily long time to come back with them. We almost gave up on him. Last night he was a complete no show.

To say we are unimpressed is an understatement. Ball’s in your court, Domino’s. Woo us back. Don’t worry though, we aren’t holding our breath.


The Piquant Storyteller