I’m just a regular person. I put my pants on one leg at a time.

How often do you hear that? I heard it so much as a kid that I tried to put both feet in my pants at once, you know, just to see if I could put them on two legs at a time! It sort of works. The expression is just silly.

I have always been a jean person. They are comfortable and they look good. At the end of a long day, or when I stop caring in the mid-afternoon, nothing beats trading in a pair of jeans for stretchy pants. My stretchy pants are pajama pants in varying cuts and styles. They also vary in condition. My favorite pair of stretchy pants look like the pigs chewed on the bottoms. Really I have worn them so much to clean the house or just to lounge that I have walked off the excess hem like the Redneck I am!

Heath has a couple pair of stretchy pants too. His are black athletic pants that I wish he would wear to referee basketball games. Instead he found a pair of black pants without a colored stripe racing down the leg. They aren’t quite skinny pants but they are cut much the same way, including zippers at the ankles. Besides not being allowed to wear any colors, referees shouldn’t allow any unwelcome breezes to waft around the ankles. That’s what I think when I see those pants. They aren’t my favorite.

Ah but the stretchy pants! I love it when Heath comes home and one of us asks if we are going anywhere that night. The other confirms the no and we pull out the stretchy pants. I should put up a sign on the door: Please don’t call on us tonight, we are in our stretchy pants and otherwise unfit for public viewing. Sundays are the best days because I wear the stretchy pants all morning, change into a skirt for church, then immediately slip back into the stretchy pants after church. I heart stretchy pants.

All this time with stretchy pants has finally caught up with our kids. Gwen wished she had a pair of her own. I thought that was a good idea. She could use some new pajama pants. Then I could toss the pair she has that are starting to look like capri floods. That may sound like another way of saying shorts. It’s not. Her pants fall at a very awkward-way-too-short level on her legs. I made them for her when she was in kindergarten and they didn’t really fit her then.

Stretchy pants for the Little Miss. I liked the sound of that. Maybe it was time I made the kids pajama pants. As soon as the thought entered my mind I decided shopping would be easier and faster. Heath agreed. We were either being very realistic or it was the Stretchy Pants Effect. Either way, I wasn’t in the mood to make pajama pants. The feeling didn’t go away so I bought some pajama pants. One shirt/pants set for Parker and one shirt/pants set for Gwen. Then I found a pair of pants on a clearance table for $3.00! The tag called them stretch pants. I am not making that up! They are gray with colored horse heads all over a la My Little Pony. Who would wear that anywhere but to bed?

Gwen was pretty excited about her pants. She is lounging in them now. Her room is clean (the only way I would give them to her) and her homework is done. Time to relax for sure.

I also bought Gavin a couple more pair of jeans. I don’t know what to do when these pants get too short. Size 16 is the largest size the boys section carries. Even then it’s hard to find. Most of them have an H on the sticker for Husky. My kid is tall not fat. The nice part of buying pants in the boys section is I can usually find adjustable waistband pants. Again, my kid is tall and skinny as a rail. I have struggled for 12 years to find pants that look normal on him.

My brother texted my sister and me wondering what we wanted for Christmas. He said if he had some ideas then we wouldn’t end up with something crazy like a step grandfather clock or a pair of pants with a collar. It’s a reference to a bit by Bill Engvall. He was talking about factory outlet malls. “You can buy a pair of pants with a collar! But you do because they’re five bucks!” Do you remember that Saturday Night Live commercial for three legged jeans? I was watching the show alone the first time I saw it. It was late, I was loopy tired, and the idea of three legged jeans seemed like a really good idea at the time.

I love how well timed Tyson’s text was on the day of pants. I just don’t know what I want for Christmas. That step grandfather clock sounds beautiful …