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My medical insurance company has been calling me a lot lately. A monotone computer lady keeps reminding me that my doctor has ordered lab work for me. Please come in at my earliest convenience. If I already did it then I should ignore the phone call because they thank me for my obedience.

My endocrinologist refuses to see me more than once a year. So every year when I do see him he prints off a ream of instructions for me to “remember” until I see him again in a year. As fun as it is to be poked and prodded and told to save my bodily fluids in a cup, I don’t really mark my calendar for these events. I hardly remember people’s birthdays. I don’t know why my doctor is too busy to see me so I figure I will give him something to do. I wait for those reminder calls to get lab work done.

This morning my blood sugar was stubbornly high. An easy day to fast for blood work. I also needed to turn in yet another sports physical form for the pediatrician to sign. If kids only need to be seen once a year and the doctor is okay with that why can’t the school keep these forms on file for a year? This is the third form I have asked the doctor to sign since March. Track, Scout Camp, and Cross Country. Nothing has changed. The third leg of the medical trifecta today was I needed to figure out where on earth my medications were that I ordered.

I went to the lab first. The waiting room was not busy so I was called to the desk to register soon after sitting down. I gave her my card and she kept staring at her computer screen with increasing confusion. I told her my doctor’s name that wants the test results. I have learned that if I say to do everything I have to do all kinds of stuff for every single doctor I see. Tests that are usually done every few years I will have done multiple times in a year! Lesson learned. Say a specific name.

Telling her the doctor’s name didn’t seem to register any sort of a change on her baffled face. I started listing possible tests. A1C, thyroid, cholesterol. She told me that according to her records those tests were not due until December. I told her how I had seen him last December and he wanted me to check on things in six months. I told her about the phone call reminders to come in. All she could say was there was nothing in her system indicating I needed to have my blood drawn. She suggested I contact the doctor.

Just what I want to do! I can’t call because he will not respond to me that way. I’ve tried it. I have to email which I prefer but even then I’m not interested. Why should I have to ask him to allow a phlebotomist to drain my blood? Especially when they always tell me I have too much scar tissue on my veins? Let me tell you, my favorite activities include showering early in the morning and fasting so I can be yelled at by a person already torturing me with a needle. Shaving my head with a rusty razor blade, poking my own eyes out, getting a root canal, walking across the country barefoot. These all sound much more appealing than the alternative I am faced with.

I walked away from the lab feeling strangely like I don’t really exist. My prescription was also ever so missing. Hm. The pharmacy was still dark inside. So I went upstairs to turn in Gavin’s sports forms. That turned out to be the only not annoying experience at Kaiser today. The receptionist told me that the pharmacy opens at 9:00. It was 9:00 then.

A pharmacy girl turned on the lights and opened the door about a minute or two after I got back downstairs. I think she was surprised to see someone lurking at the door. I told her I just had a quick question about an order I had not received. She confirmed the order had been mailed to my address on August 7. Today is the 12th. Where is my stuff?

She told me to wait 15 minutes while they refilled it for me. I would have to pay again since she can’t refund from another pharmacy even though it’s all Kaiser. Since I was the first customer of the day it took maybe five minutes before my name showed up on the board. I didn’t even notice right away because I had settled in expecting a long wait. I paid my $13 again and was given my medication. She did give me a magnet with the phone number for the mail order pharmacy to ask for a refund.

Heath said, “I’m sure it will arrive today. The mailman was likely too tired to lift it the last couple of days.” He’s probably right. We have the world’s laziest mailman. Our mail is delivered late in the evening every single night. Of course when I count on it being late that’s when it’s delivered early. The early delivery days are only when our mailman has a substitute. We think our lazy mailman is either avoiding a wife at home or has no one to go home to. Either way he parks in the parking lot at the top of the Road to Nowhere along with the cops on break, and sits there half the day before slowly working his way down to our circle.

I have decided if I do get the prescription today I won’t ask for a refund. I will be happy knowing I now have a six month supply of thyroid and statin medication. That’s not a bad thing. Of course if it doesn’t arrive soon I will have to go through the circus of trying to get my $13 back. I’m not sure I like the mail order pharmacy. Clearly it can’t be trusted. What if I had ordered insulin? Or test strips? Strong words would be spoken for sure. For now I can chill with the hopes that I do have a six month supply.

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