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My lovely and always concerned for me mother in law knows I hate spiders. She likes to send me encouraging email memes like

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this.

Recently she sent me a link to a blog post about a bug catcher. She highly suggested I get one. I read the post and applauded Joellen for her ingenuity. But I didn’t need one. I have two bug catchers – my husband and my Dyson handheld vacuum. Tonight I called on both.

Several days ago Heath took the vacuum up to our room. It leaned against the bed for most of the day while he tried to find the spider that he had seen earlier. He has a healthy fear of spiders, unlike my irrational fear. He is only bothered by spiders if they actually are the size of a human head. This particular spider was.

He claimed it was just sitting on the wall looking like it was either magnified under glass or its size was the result of a science experiment gone horribly huge. Heath could almost hear audible spider chuckles as it sat on the wall staring him down. Of course the spider was too high to be reached effectively with a shoe. Death by shoe was tried but the spider ran away at the last moment as if it were a game of chicken. “Ha ha,” the spider called, “you lose sucker!” And with that the spider went into hiding. Which really didn’t make either one of us feel any better.

The diabolical creature hid for days, plotting his revenge. I was in front of my closet changing into stretchy pajama clothes. I held my insulin pump in one hand since the holster was in my bedroom and I checked myself out in the mirror. It looked like I had gotten a decent amount of sun this morning on our bike ride. Still holding my pump, I started to fold my pants. For once I would actually put my clothes away nicely.

My hands were nanoseconds away from tossing the folded pants on top of the pile of pants in the top of my closet. That’s when our eyes met. The glowing red demon spider eyes vs. my khaki brown eyes. I kept my wits about me and slowly backed away. As soon as I was on the other side of the closet wall I booked it through the bathroom doorway into my bedroom to throw clothes on. The pump was slid into the holster and immediately clipped to my waistband. I threw my shirt over my head as I walked down the stairs. I don’t even care if the neighbors got a free show.

“Set the bug catcher to frappe!”

Heath knew exactly what I meant and grabbed our handy dandy Dyson vacuum. We stealthily entered the room while I hoped the spider was still where I left him. Heath kept asking where he was as we entered the bedroom. My answers got longer and more specific.

In the closet.
On the wall.
On the left side … near the top.
See him?

Whirrrrrrrrrrr. The vacuum came on and I cowered in the bedroom squealing.

“Get the crevice tool! Hurry!”
What I didn’t know until later was that the spider was running away like he had been caught stealing.

Quick as lightning I ran down to the closet under the stairs and grabbed the bag of vacuum attachments to save time. Two whole seconds later I was upstairs with the crevice tool in hand. Gwen had come out of her room wondering what on earth was going on. Heath claimed he sucked up the spider. Parker came out asking what was going on. So we let him watch the spider spin around inside the clear dust collector of the vacuum. If he wasn’t dead he was at least very dizzy. After a few seconds on the spin cycle it looked like the spider had curled up. A sure sign of death.

A bug catcher sounds like a lovely idea for some people. I may be crazy but I’m not that afraid of spiders. I have forcefully introduced my shoe to many a spider and then left the smashed remains on the wall as a warning to other spiders. I am no stranger to that glorious red aerosol can of poisonous spider spray. The uninvited lizard in my house was really the only thing I was deathly afraid of. There is no lizard spray!

In a pinch I could use my own version of a bug catcher. The Dyson handheld vacuum. I could even use the hose on the full size vacuum if needs be. And I have. You’re gonna die now clown! My Dyson bug catcher works just like the bug catcher Amazon sells. Granted the Amazon bug catcher allows you to release the bug back into the wild, otherwise known as your backyard, should you choose to. Personally I don’t know why you would. I mean, could we have a bigger neon sign that says “Welcome to the spider bed and breakfast come back soon!”? Apparently you could also have someone empty the canister for you or you could even let the spider sit in there forever if you want it to die of natural causes (starvation, lack of oxygen, boredom). Kind of like a cruel spider time out or jail.

Like the other model, my bug catcher sucks up the spider so quickly and painlessly the spider is still holding his beverage. Until he hits the screen that grinds him into little tiny bits. And if that doesn’t work – if he manages to suck in his gut and get through a hole – he will just spin and spin and spin until he dies out of self defense. The only good spider is a dead spider so why would you mess with something that gives the option of letting the minion of Satan live?

My bug catcher probably cost more than Amazon’s bug catcher and definitely more than if I won the free giveaway. But at the same time, I already have my catcher. It works. And now I can sleep at night knowing that I’m the one laughing. Not the dead spider that used to be the size of my head.

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