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when you know what you know?

Lucky me, I just got to admit to my CDE nurse that my diabetes management is out of control because I stopped caring. Always a fun fact to admit to people.

It’s hard enough having to condense my life into numbers to be analyzed by medical professionals. It’s hard enough having to talk about what I eat. It’s hard enough having my blood drawn and seeing doctors and nurses. It’s hard enough wondering if stress or illness is messing up my blood sugar readings. It’s hard enough carrying a glucometer and snacks while wearing a pager sized insulin pump on my hip. Changing sites frequently and counting carbs or making up the numbers as I go. That’s already hard enough.

It’s as if I’m a celebrity without any of the prestige. Everything I do or don’t do is scrutinized. Yet I don’t get paid for it.

All of those things are hard enough. Then you have to factor in how real life affects diabetes. The variables are limitless and I don’t always want to talk about it. Admitting that I let life take precedence to my own care is always daunting.

My endocrinologist and my nurse were both very supportive and understanding. My nurse asked a couple questions and I wondered if I was sharing too much information with her. Some people like to spin my reaction to my dad’s death for their own sick satisfaction. I always want to scream at those people, “This is actually my life! Stop acting like my life is more entertaining than the tabloids!”

She wasn’t like that though.

I don’t think I overshared. She recognized how difficult it is to lose a parent, that it was a shocking situation, and that depression is a perfectly logical response. I appreciated her reaction to the news. She is one of the few diabetes team members I have worked with over the years who actually sees me as a human being. Some people get so mad that I don’t take better care of myself. They don’t have diabetes and they can’t even fathom what it must be like to live with it.

At one point she said something like asking a diabetic to be in the 140 range after eating is like asking them to not be diabetic! I just felt bad that she couldn’t work with my data. We changed one basal rate and changed the sensitivity at night so I don’t need as much insulin to correct a high. But there wasn’t much more she could really do.

My problem is I stopped caring about what I eat a long time ago. I have gotten into really bad habits of bolusing after I eat, which means I sometimes forget altogether. When I do bolus for food I guess how many carbs I’m eating. Usually I’m wrong. I don’t allow my blood sugar to come down before I eat another high carb meal. It’s like the numbers on my glucometer don’t matter to me.

At the end of the appointment she asked if I wanted to schedule another appointment or just call her. If I don’t go in I don’t talk to her or care. I hate going in for the principle of the thing. She always acts like it would be easier on both of us if I just call. But I forget. So I asked if I could email her. Written communication is always my favorite. My phone will also remind me in two weeks to do it. This is important. Otherwise I will forget and go back to my old habits and generally not care anymore. It’s time to start caring.

I know what I know and now I need to act accordingly. We all do things even though we know better. Numbers may not be my forte but I understand enough numbers to manage my diabetes better than I have been lately. And prettier numbers mean less questions about my personal life.