After all these years of living with diabetes you would think I wouldn’t worry so much. You thought wrong.
Going to the doctor used to be easy. I would miss half a day of school to be told how wonderful I was. Keeping those blood sugars in line was easy back then. Things got harder when I started caring too much what other people thought of me. The more I tried to keep it all a secret from the world, the more my doctors found new disappointment in me. Going to the doctor became stressful as I took time out of my day to be yelled at.
I finally have a doctor who doesn’t yell at me. He also doesn’t seem to care too much about me either. The good news is I have a wonderful pump nurse. She is very knowledgeable and has a level head about my “mistakes.”
The first time I met her she took one look at my blood sugars and freaked out. I watched her realize that yelling at me wouldn’t work. I watched her calm herself enough to put the numbers into perspective. In my defense, my previous endocrinologist was a complete imbecile who had no idea how to work with a pump. I knew it and she quickly learned it.
My current apathetic endocrinologist told me to email my blood sugars to the nurse in two weeks. That meant emailing her over Thanksgiving. So I didn’t. Time marched on and I had a couple weird lows that scared me enough to email her.
She called me very concerned about my complaints in the email. We agreed to meet after the holidays. When I talked to her it felt like she was mad at me. At least very frustrated by some of my choices. I admitted I don’t bolus for breakfast. She kind of freaked out and in a not very calm voice told me to change my insulin to carb ratio so I could bolus without dropping low.
Her tone of voice haunted me for the next two weeks. The thought of meeting with her after months and months of absence made me panic. Logically I know she’s nice and so reasonable but emotionally I was a wreck about the upcoming appointment. Every time I thought of how she would focus most on the two weeks prior to our meeting the more I felt angry. Those weeks reflect nothing close to normalcy. I’m sure all diabetics have bad numbers in the two weeks surrounding Christmas and New Years. But I’m sure very few of them make an appointment as soon as they resume a normal routine.
The first week I was so mad. My morning readings were low like I expected and then parked in the high range for the rest of the day. The day after Christmas I started my period. Several days early I might add! The anger and stubborn highs finally had an explanation. Then I got sick and couldn’t care less about anything. If I wasn’t hungry I wouldn’t eat. If I was I didn’t care what high carb and fat laden choice I made. Nor did I really care about what affect it had on my blood sugar.
My heart raced as I drove to my fate. This is the most nervous I have been about a medical appointment in quite some time. It’s times like this that I remember I’m not on the crazy pills anymore!
Interestingly enough Chris texted me shortly before I had to leave. We send each other quotes. He sent me “Anything under Heavenly Father’s control is never out of control.” I like the quote and how it reminds me that I don’t have to do this whole diabetes thing alone.
It also reminded me about a question in a lesson at church on Sunday. We were talking about trials. One woman pointed out that the scriptures promise that we will never be given more than we can handle. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Another woman wasn’t so sure. She was aware of the scripture but didn’t understand how that’s possible when some people commit suicide as a result of being given more than they can bear. Her comment has been on my mind ever since. A third woman made a comment later that addressed this concern. She said that when we exercise our faith in the Lord we can bear all things. Without Him none of us can handle our trials. It’s because of Him and His atonement that we can. I want to believe the third lady. And I’m just grateful I don’t have to judge whether or not a person was justified in suicide.
On the drive I told myself that nothing was going to happen today that the Lord and I can’t handle. Meanwhile Barenaked Ladies sang “If I Had a Million Dollars.” I thought that if I had a million dollars I would still have diabetes! Money wasn’t the solution. Facing it head on was. So my heart raced and I continued on my way to see my nurse.
She was as wonderful as ever. She told me that she knows that the last two weeks would have crazy blood sugar readings. She changed some basal rates in the hopes of solving some of my blood sugar problems. I told her that I’m afraid to go to bed unless my blood sugar is over 200. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with a low. She could see my fasting sugars are either low or perfect. So she changed some basal rates.
We also discussed the issues I have been having with the CGM sensor. She said that there’s a new version that is much better and easier to insert. I didn’t ask how I can get on that gravy train and she didn’t say much more about it. I still hate the technology and don’t use it very often. Maybe one day I can get the better stuff or a Dexcom or something.
My favorite part of the whole meeting was when she asked me if I had lost weight. She said, “I can see it in your face and … your whole person!” She was also extremely impressed when I told her I had lost close to 10 lbs. I guess 10 lbs. is a noticeable weight loss even though I still feel fat. I didn’t think of the fact that weight loss equals lower insulin needs. No wonder we needed to back off on several of my basal rates.
We agreed that I would email her in two weeks to discuss how the changes are working out for me. I walked out of there feeling better about myself. I like the doctors and nurses that help me feel good about myself and my diabetes efforts. I hate the doctors and nurses that yell at me and make me feel bad. I still hate having to answer questions about what I eat and when and why. I hate being diabetic because I have to see doctors and be in the spotlight more than anyone else. For now I feel pretty good about things. That feeling will last until the next time I have to go to an appointment!