I don’t know what it is about Utah but it seems like someone always has a medical issue when we visit. This morning I was thinking about how we considered going in July. My family would have more time off of work with Independence Day and Pioneer Day, depending on when we went. Then I thought of how it would mess with Gwen’s summer school schedule. The way we ended up doing our trip she only missed the first two days.
My thoughts followed this train to a memory five years ago. Gavin was in the same summer school program. He missed a couple days to go to Utah for the first time since we moved to California. He celebrated his 5th birthday there and we learned that Parker has allergy induced asthma.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about this trip. I was. A lot of things have happened with our trips to visit my family. It wasn’t that long ago that I nearly checked out of this life. My anxiety surrounding that situation is different from my mom’s. Her memories are vivid and haunt her dreams. I don’t remember most of the experience but I do remember being carried out of my mom’s house on a stretcher into one of two fire engines.
That memory must be seared in my brain somehow because over a year later I still wig out a little when I see a fire truck. My heart skipped a beat or two when I saw a yellow fire truck early on in our most recent visit to Utah. I thought I talked my nerves down at the time. Maybe I didn’t do as well as I thought.
It’s amazing I didn’t gain weight with the amount of carbs I was eating every day. My greatest fear with any amount of time away from home is that my blood sugar will be low. I hardly bolused for anything I ate in Utah. Yet my pump kept alarming me that the CGM was sensing lows and fall rates and predicted lows. I welcomed the predicted high alarms.
I felt lightheaded and out of breath with many of my lows. I would also stumble around as if I were walking on a boat in the middle of a stormy sea. I held Heath’s hand for stability if I couldn’t just lie down until the moment passed.
While my anxieties may not have always been conscious thoughts, they were still there. Bubbling under the surface of the back of my mind.
I thought I was doing well not stressing over our plans to visit Temple Square. I also thought I was the only person who has superstitions. My mom asked what we ate for lunch last year when we went to Temple Square before I tried to die on her kitchen floor. I told her corn dogs. Her face fell and turned ashen as she chewed her corn dog. The words were out there and I couldn’t call them back. I tried to joke but the damage had been done. My mom was even more nervous than she was and my nerves were starting to get the best of me.
It’s been a while since I have been that panicky in a car. My mouth tasted high but my pump kept alarming me my blood sugar was dropping fast. I would clear that alarm only to have a predicted high alarm five minutes later. My mind is a powerful weapon.
It was fairly uneventful. My blood sugar has been high pretty much ever since. Which of course isn’t cool either. That afternoon I was cranky and sleepy. My family kept staring at me imagining the worst. My grandpa said he thought my coloring looked off. I don’t know if it was. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open and I really wanted to scream I was so ornery.
Since coming home I have had high blood sugar like I said, and a lot of dizzy headaches. The puzzle pieces seemed to come together this morning. I had been dealing with another dizzy headache that seemed to keep getting worse. Soon it was no longer a headache but a full on feeling of vertigo. If I lied down I was dizzy and the room spun eyes open or closed. If I tried to sit up I felt nauseated.
After taking Heath’s advice to email my doctor and pump nurse, I checked my blood sugar to see an 87. Not low but I had been over 200 not that long before. My breathing felt constricted and my heart was racing. Luckily the glucose tabs started to take effect and I landed on the thought that this may be a panic attack. I remember reading a few years ago that a diabetes blogger was put on Xanax until she and the doctor realized her anxiety was a low blood sugar symptom.
It made sense to me. I have a tendency to think I’m over emotions when I’m not. Things get swept under the rug with me until it all blows up in my face. Maybe this whole Gwen going to school thing bothers me more than I thought even though I didn’t cry yesterday. Maybe the stress surrounding this Utah trip has taken more of a toll now that I’m home.
I have cried out of frustration and embarrassment over my epiphany today. Yet there is still a silver lining.
My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Remembering I am a daughter of God. Knowing I don’t have to carry my burdens alone. Despite my imperfections I am happy. I take great comfort in the the words of my Savior:
Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them.
With every trial comes growth and strength when I trust in the Lord. For all that could go wrong on our trip, we are all still alive. Temple Square is still as beautiful as ever. The temple and all it represents still whispers peace to my soul.
Of mine own self I know I can do nothing but with God all things are possible. Even overcoming the emotional pains of anxiety.