Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows,
Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.
We have all had those moments where life feels like it is turning upside down and we can’t catch a breath. Illness, issues at work, frustrations at home, a cold outside world … these things add up. It takes a toll on our mental state while ramping up the anxiety. Sometimes life gets so mundane it wears on us. Peace can be found through the Savior.
I always hate when Heath goes out of town. It’s hard being the only one holding down the fort and I always worry about him. This time he had a gout flare up two days before he left for the bitterly cold temperatures of Minneapolis. A city with weather so remarkable it’s all over the news! Not only was I worried about my routine list of business trip concerns, I was also worried about his toe.
Monday was fairly easy. The kids and I made time to play and work. Parker helped me make dinner and clean it up so he could pass it off for Scouts. Gwen happened to pull out a book of talks for children earlier in the day. She was so excited to read one to us for family home evening. The story led to a great discussion about faith and prayer. We finished off the evening reading a chapter in the Book of Mormon.
Tuesday was mentally exhausting. Those are my busiest days of the week. For the last two Scout weeks in a row I have been on my own to deal with the juggling act of dinner and getting boys to and from Scouts. Thank heavens Parker gets a ride home!
That day I put gas in the van. This is a job I absolutely hate and will make Heath do for me any chance I can. With his gout giving him a hard time it was up to me to fill up. I finally put the patches on Parker’s Scout uniform. It was the most frustrating job. The clear thread kept breaking. Even with normal colored thread sewing on patches was a huge pain. I also did laundry and drove all day long it felt like.
My day started out crazy on Wednesday. The drive to and from school on Wednesday mornings is the worst commute. Once I got away from the insane school traffic someone tailgated me the whole way down the road to nowhere. He never turned onto another street. I didn’t recognize the car as anyone I had seen on my circle.
I was tempted to pull into the first entrance to my circle but decided to go the way I normally do because nobody ever goes that way except the neighbors who live on that side of the circle. He followed me. Closely I might add. Hopefully it wasn’t a mistake for me to open my garage door letting him know for sure I lived there. As I pulled into my driveway he sped around the rest of the circle. Crazy!
The phone was ringing as soon as I walked in the door. I let voicemail pick up and dealt with the messages hours later. Puttering around on the computer was supposed to calm me down. It didn’t. My heart was still beating hard and all I could think was that I needed to take my 30 minute scripture study break before doing anything else. That’s when the above song came to mind and has softly played in the back of my mind ever since.
My weepy mornings missing Heath and just not wanting to do all I had to do for the day halted when I read the scriptures. As I prayed on Tuesday a specific scripture came to mind. “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” (1 Nephi 21:16)
It happened to be in my reading that day along with many other calming verses. It was as if the Lord was telling me personally he hasn’t forgotten me. My Wednesday reading was the perfect reminder to “be still and know that I am God.” I will admit my faith was tested a lot. While I knew where to turn for peace I guess I still struggled with knowing the Lord is in charge.
Before Heath left on his trip he gave me a priesthood blessing. In that blessing he promised me that I would be able to manage my blood sugars well. So then why weren’t they coming down on Wednesday? I ate only protein all day and not much of it waiting for correction boluses to take effect. They never did. I wasn’t steadily climbing but I wasn’t coming down either.
Finally after dinner I looked at the site and saw the tape was wet from my last correction. The insulin was sitting on top of my skin and not going in for some reason. Who knows how long it had been that way. I took out the infusion set to see a very bent cannula that was sitting parallel to my skin rather than inside it. I can’t change my own sites. It causes too much anxiety. Parker helped me but he didn’t push the buttons all the way. It felt like the cannula hadn’t gone in my skin all the way. I thought I pushed it in when I pushed down on the inserter to release it from the needle. Over time it must have worked its way out.
Parker was nervous to help me again so soon. He saw me try to do it myself and knew I was too scared. I think that made him more nervous. Plus he felt so bad that his efforts failed before. My blood sugar is starting to come down. Very slowly. Amazingly my highest reading was only in the mid 400 range. That is incredibly high but given the fact that I hadn’t been getting insulin properly all day I am amazed that was as high as it got. Someone was watching over me!
He never takes the trial away. He only helps ease the burden. “Take my yoke upon you and I will give you rest.” Oxen are teamed up with a yoke between them. The yoke makes them work together. Between the two of them the work is much easier. More can be done with two oxen working side by side than could be accomplished by only one. When we team up things are so much easier to bear. Which is why Heath and I miss each other as much as we do when we’re apart! When the person we are teamed up with is the Lord … well, you do the math!
Every prayer is answered. Every promise is kept. Just not the way we would expect. In fact almost never the way we would expect. The peace is there for the taking. All we have to do is humble ourselves enough to seek it.