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Dear Devon,

DUDE! What is your story? Are you an escaped convict or just mentally unstable? Have you ever been arrested for the cold blooded murder of one of your exercise clients? You probably tell investigators that your client lost so much weight they just evaporated.

Since I didn’t actually die this morning. Barely. I have to wonder if you found my old crystal ball from my telemarketing days. I’ve never really seen this crystal ball but people all over the country swore I must have had one because I magically called each household during dinnertime. I worked for 6 hours at a time and inevitably interrupted dinner for every single person I called.

Anyway, after today’s torture I’m starting to believe in that crystal ball again. How did you know I just bent to fashion peer pressure and bought a pair of skinny jeans? That can be the only explanation for the planned 40 minute workout of strictly legs and cardio I just completed.

I don’t think I have ever had to jump, squat, and lunge that much in my life. Some strength training would have been welcome even if it was for my legs. But no. You expected me to run, jump, squat, and lunge all at the same time for 40 of your wrinkle in time game minutes. I’m not sure but I think I passed out a few times in there. Yet you, being the slave driving cartoon you are, kept pushing me on.

My lungs were burning after the first run. At least you recognized my efforts and awarded me with 110 on the workout speedometer. Thank you for that. And if I don’t fall on my head tomorrow wearing my heels to church, I will thank you for what you have done for my body. Between my buns that don’t feel nothing like steel anymore and my screaming calves, falling is a real possibility. I’m going to shower my pain away now. Hopefully I don’t disintegrate in there. Then I will put on my skinny jeans. See you in a couple days.

Tristan