Another miracle occurred the other day. I don’t know exactly what happened or how or why but I consider it another Post-it Note from Heaven. When there are five Sundays in a month the Bishopric plans a special meeting for the adults. I love these combined meetings because I get to enjoy them with Heath.
Now that I’m in Primary I don’t get the opportunity to attend anymore. The different auxiliaries will usually try to make arrangements for the teachers to be able to attend these combined meetings. But someone always has to sacrifice in order for the Primary children and the Youth to be taken care of.
The Primary rearranged the schedule to allow the teachers to attend this meeting. I sent out the reminder email about it. The next day I saw an email from the Relief Society President. Every week she sends out an email of announcements and she also gives a recap of the lesson. It is particularly nice for those women who serve outside of the Relief Society and can’t attend the lessons. At the end of the recap she will say who is teaching the following Sunday and will include a link for the lesson. Sometimes the teachers have questions for the women to ponder prior to the lesson.
This time the email ended by saying that a Sister would be teaching a lesson. I was so confused. There was no mention of the fifth Sunday combined meeting. I reread the paragraph several times trying to be sure I read it correctly. Then I emailed the Primary President about this new turn of events. As a Presidency we agreed to stay with our course of action. I let the teachers know that the Bishop’s meeting had been canceled and that they were welcome to attend the other lessons if they wanted to.
The lesson was on Elder Holland’s Conference address Like a Broken Vessel. It was supposed to be a discussion on depression. I really wanted to go. The title of the talk caught my attention first. Lately I feel so completely broken and overwhelmed because I can’t fix it. I know the Lord can through the Atonement but even then my faith has been tested.
If it had been a normal Sunday I would have never dreamed of asking for permission to attend the lesson. Given the sudden change in plans I took the opportunity to ask. The Primary President sweetly told me to go. I know that the world doesn’t revolve around me and that there were many other women who needed this lesson at this time. Still, I felt like the Lord once again had His hand all over the events in my life, timing things just so.
It was interesting that I ran into the teacher at the grocery store Saturday night. She said it was her idea to teach that lesson and she was starting to think maybe next time she should ignore those promptings. She was mostly joking but Heath and I said at the same time, “NO! Don’t do that!” Then I told her I needed this lesson at this time.
I wish the lesson would have been a little different than it was. Although I don’t know what I was expecting considering how Elder Holland’s talk was on real depression. Not just sadness from a life experience but real depression. The kind that goes on longer than normal. The kind that shuts people down inside and they can’t snap out of it.
I shared an experience in answer to a question. The very act of speaking out loud at this time in my fragile state of mind made me cry. I didn’t want to cry about that experience. I just want to talk out my feelings about what’s going on in my life now. I just want someone to listen. My current challenges never fit into the lesson so I didn’t bring it up. Ironically I have been depressed ever since.
School has been a welcome break from my own mind. Today it became apparent that I’m not done mourning. I really need to have myself a good cry. Just get it all out and then move on to my daily responsibilities.
I am very grateful I was able to take a break from my job as Primary Secretary for one hour. I sat next to the two friends that not only know my current trials but know my battles with anxiety. Just before the meeting started I ran into my friend Carole. She used to be one of my visiting teachers. I love her. I don’t know why sometimes I think about telling someone my dad died but never say anything and why other times the words come out before I think. I told her. It really affected her as if I had knocked the wind out of her.
I don’t know why I act so matter of fact with people. I talked to her as if I was reading a newspaper. That’s how I am at church. I am so happy to be there and feel some spiritual rejuvenation that when someone asks how I’m doing I genuinely feel like I’m fine. Only later do I start having conversations with them in my head of all the things I should have said.
I should have never said anything out loud in that lesson! Something snapped inside and I can’t stop crying now. It’s the only feeling I have. Everything else I regard as blah. I don’t want to do anything or care or anything. I feel blah. Blah with unstoppable tears.
It was very nice to be able to go to a Relief Society lesson even if it didn’t fulfill my expectations. My expectations were a little too high considering the content. I miss sitting in full lessons. As the secretary I have to miss the end of the Sharing Time lessons to knock on doors letting the teachers know they have five minutes left. It was nice being in a room full of women who were also crying for their own reasons. We gain strength from one another just being together.
At the end of the lesson the teacher pulled out a broken bowl. Her mother in law kept the pieces expecting to fix it one day. After she passed away the teacher’s husband took the bowl and pieces expecting to fix it but he also packed it away. She said that it could be restored but there were some pieces that were tiny slivers of glass. There is no way to put those pieces back. Then she said that the Lord knows us. He knows our trials and limitations. He also knows where every tiny sliver is and where it belongs. He can fix anything that is broken.
That was helpful for me to hear. For weeks I kept seeing finely ground cookie crumbs in my mind as I feel so broken and shattered by my family’s experiences. I don’t know how that cookie will get put back together but I have faith that somehow it will.